EDNOS. It's the endless cycle in my head. 1)Starve- 2)try to starve- 3)eat too much- 4)think I'm better- 5)feel the scratching inside my head and fat- 6/1)start again. #1 Check. #2 Check. #3 Check. #4 Check. #5 Check.
I'm afraid to step on the scale. I haven't weighed myself in about two months. Unbelievable from the girl who once couldn't enter the bathroom without stepping up. I made a vow when I first found ana when I was 11 and 150lbs and that was that I would never weigh so much again in my life. I think I may have broken my vow. I can't bring myself to confirm. Instead I've given myself a date. December 11th. The first day I go back to my parents' house for Christmas break. That's when I'll weigh. I have sixteen days left to lose a hella lot of weight. I'll do it somehow. I've got Thanksgiving break to get myself together.
I'm not going to be the girl who comes back from her first year of college fat. My goal weight is 115. My low weight for the year was nearly 130. So my goal by the end of next semester is to drop back to my low weight then drop another 15lbs. A negative freshman fifteen if you will.
I can't stand this body anymore.
Starvation isn't an option while I'm at school- I tried restriction and nearly passed out within three days and I have to be able to function in school and with friends- so exercise and a healthy diet will be my main priority at school. Over the holidays however, I will be restricting and will most likely do a couple of short fasts. The skeleton of my plan to be a skeleton.
I really do need to blog; it makes me less lucid so I feel less deranged. I really am sliping. off the edge...
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